Monday, June 15, 2009

Life Eternal

I was glad for the return of True Blood last night, not because I think it's necessarily a television show of the highest quality, but because I'm there for pretty much anything that's about vampires. From the days of Barnabas Collins right up to the present, if it's got vampires in it, I'm reading it or watching it. There are two types of people in this world: those of us who, if given the opportunity, would become vampires, and those of us who would not. I am firmly in the former camp.

I know this would mean that I would be undead and would have to give up my human life for a different kind of lifestyle, but in exchange I'd get to live forever. I'd never grow old, and I wouldn't fear death. Although the absence of the aging process is definitely a benefit, the main plus is that I'd get to find out what happens, and watch it all happen, and I'm nosy. Living forever would be fascinating, particularly because I'd have vampire friends to discuss it all with.

Spending eternity with others probably does get problematic, and I'd probably have some vampire enemies as well as friends, but I figure that the fact that vampires are a self-selecting bunch would guarantee me some sort of peer group. Because vampires are self-selecting, it makes sense that the only humans made vampire are the best looking, most engaging, most intelligent among us. An ugly boring person just wouldn't be chosen to be around for eternity. I have no doubt my vampire friends and I would need to take the occasional break from one another, say every hundred years or so, but in general I'd be in good company.

Blood drinking doesn't need to be a barrier to vampirehood. Right now we humans are dealing with deer overpopulation, so if I was made vampire tonight I'd start right in on the herd that lives next door to me, eating my plants and freaking my dog. There are plenty of deer where those came from, as well as rats, pigeons, and other pests. Human blood probably tastes the best and is the most nutritious, but for that I could target rapists, murderers. I know this would make me a vigilante and deny the rapists and murderers due process, but look at all the taxpayer dollars I'd be saving. I'd actually be a benefit to humanity.

Money would never again be a worry if I were a vampire. I wouldn't need money per se, just clothes and a place to sleep. The internet is probably the vampire's best friend. Before anyone knew I was undead I could convert everything I've got into a cash account, feed on and rob drug dealers to keep the balance up, and order everything I need from Amazon. I'd buy a house someplace where no one knows me, some bedroom community where no one will miss me during the day. See, vampirism is easy, once you think about it.

The only difficult decision would be what to do with my dog. On the one hand, he'd be a great companion for eternity, but on the other hand it's hard enough to find dogsitters as things are. How would I keep a vampire dog fed for eternity? What would I do with him while I'm off looking for rapists to kill? There must be a reason none of Ann Rice's vampires have pets. All in all, the dog is a complication I can work my way through. Listen up, vampires: I'll be home tonight, ready and willing.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Brings whole new connotatins to the phrase "Bite me..."