I was glad for the return of True Blood last night, not because I think it's necessarily a television show of the highest quality, but because I'm there for pretty much anything that's about vampires. From the days of Barnabas Collins right up to the present, if it's got vampires in it, I'm reading it or watching it. There are two types of people in this world: those of us who, if given the opportunity, would become vampires, and those of us who would not. I am firmly in the former camp.
I know this would mean that I would be undead and would have to give up my human life for a different kind of lifestyle, but in exchange I'd get to live forever. I'd never grow old, and I wouldn't fear death. Although the absence of the aging process is definitely a benefit, the main plus is that I'd get to find out what happens, and watch it all happen, and I'm nosy. Living forever would be fascinating, particularly because I'd have vampire friends to discuss it all with.
Spending eternity with others probably does get problematic, and I'd probably have some vampire enemies as well as friends, but I figure that the fact that vampires are a self-selecting bunch would guarantee me some sort of peer group. Because vampires are self-selecting, it makes sense that the only humans made vampire are the best looking, most engaging, most intelligent among us. An ugly boring person just wouldn't be chosen to be around for eternity. I have no doubt my vampire friends and I would need to take the occasional break from one another, say every hundred years or so, but in general I'd be in good company.
Blood drinking doesn't need to be a barrier to vampirehood. Right now we humans are dealing with deer overpopulation, so if I was made vampire tonight I'd start right in on the herd that lives next door to me, eating my plants and freaking my dog. There are plenty of deer where those came from, as well as rats, pigeons, and other pests. Human blood probably tastes the best and is the most nutritious, but for that I could target rapists, murderers. I know this would make me a vigilante and deny the rapists and murderers due process, but look at all the taxpayer dollars I'd be saving. I'd actually be a benefit to humanity.
Money would never again be a worry if I were a vampire. I wouldn't need money per se, just clothes and a place to sleep. The internet is probably the vampire's best friend. Before anyone knew I was undead I could convert everything I've got into a cash account, feed on and rob drug dealers to keep the balance up, and order everything I need from Amazon. I'd buy a house someplace where no one knows me, some bedroom community where no one will miss me during the day. See, vampirism is easy, once you think about it.
The only difficult decision would be what to do with my dog. On the one hand, he'd be a great companion for eternity, but on the other hand it's hard enough to find dogsitters as things are. How would I keep a vampire dog fed for eternity? What would I do with him while I'm off looking for rapists to kill? There must be a reason none of Ann Rice's vampires have pets. All in all, the dog is a complication I can work my way through. Listen up, vampires: I'll be home tonight, ready and willing.
Showing posts with label vampires. Show all posts
Showing posts with label vampires. Show all posts
Monday, June 15, 2009
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Happy Tax Day!
Unless you're a vampire and have been around for 3,864 years, paying your taxes today feels inevitable. The federal government didn't always levy income taxes, though; until the Civil War, the government was funded completely by tariffs on imported goods. An income tax was created to fund the Civil War, but was rescinded in 1872. Federal income taxes as we know them didn't begin until 1913, with the ratification of the Sixteenth Amendment.
If, like me, you end up owing something every year, April 15 can be depressing indeed. Here are a few tidbits to cheer you up. Today, the tax rate tops out at 28%, and with deductions and the lower rate on capital gains and dividends, the wealthy among us pay less tax than ever. In 1916, the income tax wasn't progressive, and was instead a flat 1% on incomes between $3,000 and $500,000, with a surcharge of 6% for incomes over $500K. Tax rates increased and became progressive by 1918 to finance WWI, then decreased again during the 1920s, with the top rate bottoming out at 24% just before the crash.
Anyone lucky enough to be earning money during the Great Depression was taxed heavily on it, with the top rate reaching 63% by 1932. To finance WWII, the rate went even higher, to 94% on incomes over $200,000. The top rate stayed at around 90% until 1964, when it was lowered to 70%. It wasn't until Reagan's economic policies came into effect in the 1980s that the rates decreased to the levels we now all know and love.
We're not all rich, of course, and the tax rates for the middle-class haven't fluctuated as much as taxes on the wealthy. I'm glad I'm not taxed 90% of my income, but then again I doubt my income would have put me in that bracket. The total tax burden for most Americans, combining federal, state, and local or municipal taxes, is 40%. Look at all we get in return: chaos in Iraq, bailouts of troubled lenders, and $600 a person to spend at Wal-Mart.
Too bad we no longer impose tariffs on all that Wal-Mart merchandise that's been made in China.
If, like me, you end up owing something every year, April 15 can be depressing indeed. Here are a few tidbits to cheer you up. Today, the tax rate tops out at 28%, and with deductions and the lower rate on capital gains and dividends, the wealthy among us pay less tax than ever. In 1916, the income tax wasn't progressive, and was instead a flat 1% on incomes between $3,000 and $500,000, with a surcharge of 6% for incomes over $500K. Tax rates increased and became progressive by 1918 to finance WWI, then decreased again during the 1920s, with the top rate bottoming out at 24% just before the crash.
Anyone lucky enough to be earning money during the Great Depression was taxed heavily on it, with the top rate reaching 63% by 1932. To finance WWII, the rate went even higher, to 94% on incomes over $200,000. The top rate stayed at around 90% until 1964, when it was lowered to 70%. It wasn't until Reagan's economic policies came into effect in the 1980s that the rates decreased to the levels we now all know and love.
We're not all rich, of course, and the tax rates for the middle-class haven't fluctuated as much as taxes on the wealthy. I'm glad I'm not taxed 90% of my income, but then again I doubt my income would have put me in that bracket. The total tax burden for most Americans, combining federal, state, and local or municipal taxes, is 40%. Look at all we get in return: chaos in Iraq, bailouts of troubled lenders, and $600 a person to spend at Wal-Mart.
Too bad we no longer impose tariffs on all that Wal-Mart merchandise that's been made in China.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
All Hail Barnabas Collins
Between the ages of four and six, my absolute favorite TV show was Dark Shadows. What child didn't love Dark Shadows? It had it all: werewolves, ghosts, time travel, trippy music, even a character (David Collins) who was himself a child. Of course, the real reason I loved the show was because I loved Barnabas Collins so much I wanted to be him. My prized possession was a plastic ring that came out of a cereal box, worn always on my index finger, just like Barnabas. I wanted to be a vampire, pining to be human again. I wanted to live in a gloomy mansion full of secrets.
I have General Hospital to thank for my discovery of Dark Shadows. My mother was hooked on GH, and every day at 3 PM I'd sit with her and watch it. In those days the entire soap took place on the 7th Floor Nurses' Station of a hospital in an unnamed city, the drama revolving around the sexual tension between doctors and nurses. In 1967, Dark Shadows came on immediately after, at 3:30. Although I sat through all the trials and tribulations of Jessie Brewer and Dr. Steve Hardy, my mother had no interest in Collinswood, and abandoned the TV to me.
I was extremely upset at the prospect of going off to kindergarten, not because I wanted to be at home with my mother all day, but because I was afraid I'd get home too late to see Dark Shadows. I remember my mother joyfully telling me that the schedule had been changed, and my show would be running at 4 PM. In fact, this late-day scheduling was the key to the show's success. By 4 PM mothers all over the country had left their seats in front of the TV to begin preparing dinner; during its entire run (1966-1971), Dark Shadows was the most popular daytime program with people under the age of 25.
I eventually matured, as will happen. The Brady Bunch became my favorite show, and I began wearing rings on my ring finger. Looking back, my childhood love for Barnabas is easy to understand. The human world, filled with drama and tears and the sexual tension of the 7th Floor Nurses' Station, was impossible for me to fully comprehend and was a world I observed from the outside. I also pined to be human, and didn't know how I would ever accomplish that goal.
Until the day she died, my mother's favorite entertainments involved doctors having affairs with nurses. I now realize that my love of Interview With the Vampire is just an extension of my love for Barnabas. The story is the same: a scorned lover makes someone a vampire, and then that person spends eternity wishing for nothing more than the human touch. My favorite entertainments haven't changed because every time I think I've accomplished my goal, every time I think I've entered the adult world, I suddenly notice a ring on my index finger and know that I still haven't unlocked all the secrets hidden in this gloomy mansion.
I have General Hospital to thank for my discovery of Dark Shadows. My mother was hooked on GH, and every day at 3 PM I'd sit with her and watch it. In those days the entire soap took place on the 7th Floor Nurses' Station of a hospital in an unnamed city, the drama revolving around the sexual tension between doctors and nurses. In 1967, Dark Shadows came on immediately after, at 3:30. Although I sat through all the trials and tribulations of Jessie Brewer and Dr. Steve Hardy, my mother had no interest in Collinswood, and abandoned the TV to me.
I was extremely upset at the prospect of going off to kindergarten, not because I wanted to be at home with my mother all day, but because I was afraid I'd get home too late to see Dark Shadows. I remember my mother joyfully telling me that the schedule had been changed, and my show would be running at 4 PM. In fact, this late-day scheduling was the key to the show's success. By 4 PM mothers all over the country had left their seats in front of the TV to begin preparing dinner; during its entire run (1966-1971), Dark Shadows was the most popular daytime program with people under the age of 25.
I eventually matured, as will happen. The Brady Bunch became my favorite show, and I began wearing rings on my ring finger. Looking back, my childhood love for Barnabas is easy to understand. The human world, filled with drama and tears and the sexual tension of the 7th Floor Nurses' Station, was impossible for me to fully comprehend and was a world I observed from the outside. I also pined to be human, and didn't know how I would ever accomplish that goal.
Until the day she died, my mother's favorite entertainments involved doctors having affairs with nurses. I now realize that my love of Interview With the Vampire is just an extension of my love for Barnabas. The story is the same: a scorned lover makes someone a vampire, and then that person spends eternity wishing for nothing more than the human touch. My favorite entertainments haven't changed because every time I think I've accomplished my goal, every time I think I've entered the adult world, I suddenly notice a ring on my index finger and know that I still haven't unlocked all the secrets hidden in this gloomy mansion.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
