Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Promises I Can Keep

It's resolution time, which means it's time for everyone to promise themselves to do various things they have no intention of actually doing. Why be hard on yourself? Follow my example and make some resolutions that are easy to keep.

In 2009, I will smoke and drink more. I was not drunk nearly often enough in 2008, nor did I manage to kill myself by smoking. I tried to quit and had a bad reaction to Wellbutrin. In 2009, I will not try to quit.

Next year, I will eat more red meat, cheese, chips, and candy. I will eat less salad and fruit. I will drink more coffee and Diet Pepsi, and less water. I will gain 25 pounds.

I will stop exercising entirely. That includes walking. My dog will have to start walking himself; I'll be spending more time on the couch.

I will watch more television, and worse television. I will begin watching The Hills, and every other "scripted reality" program developed by MTV. I will watch at least 10 hours of the Lifetime Movie Channel every week.

I will stop reading poetry, history, and novels and will focus my energies entirely on US and OK magazines. In fact, I will not read anything that has a title that is longer than two letters.

I will not get a job.

I will not write my book.

I will not cook more often, nor will I stay in more often.

I will not plant a garden.

I will not clean more often, or more effectively.

I hate washing my car. I only did it twice in 2008, and I resolve to stop washing my car entirely in 2009.

I will not be nicer to people, particularly to people I don't even like. I promise to be as catty as I want to be.

Finally, I adamantly resolve that I will in no way become a "better" person in the coming year. I instead promise to remain just as I am.

Happy New Year!


tunsie said...

enough of that crazy talk young lady.U sound like a crazy person WE know.rebut your statement now or else U R going 2 sit in the punish chair.tunsie.tunsie.tunsie

tunsie said...

my 2009 resolution is 2 eat more thai food.i will eat chinese food solely at my favorite restaurant.i will be a bigger cookie monster.i will not be nice 2 crazy people.i will b mean 2 people i hate.i will tell women that stare at me'yeah,right.i want u after all those guys had u.i will keep my private life private.i will live and let die[no advice].i will talk alot without saying anything in front of nosey people.i will spend more time with my prized nephews and nieces.i will not waste my words on people i dismissed in life,they r not worthy of my words or my eyes.i will tell weird looking people what is wierd about them[you r dysfunctional.women shouldn't have beards]i will eat only black raspberry or strawberry ice cream.i will eat more carrot cake and apple pie.I will tell other people about all the dysfunctional people whom i have met and what is wrong with them so theyt don't waste thier time on these idiots like i did,and u know who u r.i will address everyone that has an untruth 2 say about me it 's your job at stake i promise u.in closing i am basically off limits 2 crazy people and cry babys.try me.tunsie tunsie.tunsie