Friday, February 22, 2008

Oscar Pick-A-Mix

Because it's snowing and I'm bored, here are the Synthetic Culture Oscar predictions (or at least my predictions as of this morning):

- The writer's strike will be the butt of a joke in the first 5 seconds of Jon Stewart's monologue

- Heath Ledger will be featured prominently in the Montage of the Dead

- The performances of the original songs and accompanying dance numbers will be the best time to go refill your drink

- 99% of the country hasn't seen four of the five best picture nominees, so the evening's focus will be on couture and the end of the writer's strike

- The writer's strike will be mentioned approximately 18 times during the broadcast

- The nominees are all depressing; let's talk about the writer's strike

Enough of that. Who will walk away with a statue? Take my advice and you'll win your Oscar pool:

Daniel Day-Lewis (Leading Actor) will be rewarded for his ability to chew up both scenes and scenery and spit while doing so.

Javier Bardem (Supporting Actor) will be rewarded for reminding America of the perils of a Price Valiant haircut.

Julie Christie (Leading Actress) will be rewarded for providing Hollywood a chance to pretend that good acting is appreciated in actresses over the age of 30.

Ruby Dee (Supporting Actress) will be rewarded for still being alive, and for being the best thing about a surprisingly boring film.

Ratatouille (Animated Feature) will be rewarded for being a Pixar product.

No End in Sight (Documentary Feature) will be rewarded because at this point everyone hates the war.

Juno (Original Screenplay) will be rewarded because everyone loves a literate stripper. See, they aren't all working their way through community college.

There Will Be Blood (Adapted Screenplay) will be rewarded for tremendous and sincere effort, plus a lot of spitting.

No Country For Old Men (Best Picture) will be rewarded for having a shorter running time than There Will Be Blood.

Best Director is a toss-up - will the Academy do a split in order to give PT Anderson another nod, or will voters line up behind the Coen brothers? My guess is the Coens sweep, but we'll have to wait until Sunday to see. Happy Oscar party to everyone!

Update! What will Atonement win, you ask? Costume design and Original Score and that's it. Give Film Editing to No Country. The Diving Bell and Butterfly needs to be recognized even though it was made in France by an artist wearing a sarong, so it will take Cinematography. I think that's it for the major categories, except all the shorts and Foreign Language Film. For those categories, you're all on your own.


Beth said...

Jon Stewart will deliver at least one joke based on "drink your milkshake."

TW said...

Not did you do on the pool?

Elucidator said...

Fine, although it wasn't my best year. I left before they figured out who won, but I think I came in second. Horrors!