Thursday, March 19, 2009

Waiting On My Bonus

Our tax dollars are hard at work, paying performance bonuses to AIG executives. The debate over whether or not the bonuses should have been paid is now three days old and makes me sleepy, so I'm not going to join in. Instead, I would like to formally request that the federal government pay me a bonus for my stellar 2008 fiscal and executive performance. The highlights:

1. Having bought a new house in September 2007, I attempted to sell my old house at precisely the wrong time, and listed said house for too much money. In 2008, I continued to be unable to sell the old house and watched its value plummet. However, I did find tenants for the house, turning what was a street of homeowners into a street with a rental property and thereby further eroding the value of that particular asset. Bonus time!

2. I sold my business in August, 2008 and began looking for work in the fall, at precisely the time when the financial crisis hit hard. In other words, I have been looking for work in the middle of nationwide hiring freezes. However, because I was self-employed I do not qualify for unemployment benefits. My lack of employment is in this sense actually bringing added value to the American taxpayer by not costing him a cent. For this lack of planning and foresight I should be rewarded.

3. When my investments lost 35% of their value through the end of last October, I decided that the bottom had clearly arrived and let everything be, single-handedly averting a complete panic. Those assets have since lost even more value, demonstrating the sheer idiocy of a laissez-faire attitude toward the markets. This is precisely the kind of performance that cries out for a bonus.

4. Although I am careful to pay as little in taxes as possible, I believe I am entitled to receive much more in return than I could possibly put in over my lifetime. Isn't that how markets work? Where's my payout?

Surely these arguments are as persuasive as any given by the AIG Corporate Communications office. I shall assume that my check is in the mail.

2 comments:

Just Asking. said...

I think you are JUST as qualified for a bonus as the AIG people were.

tunsie said...

we have very smart people where I live,who call themselves DEVELOPERS.these guys take money steal things and than don't pay their bills.they r the next ones 2 ask 4 a bailout.we also have CONVEINENT AMNESIA in my town.no one wants 2 mention these people or what they did.maybe after the building falls on them,they might remember.It takes blood sweat and wots of wuck 2 get a business humming.I sent a very very very beautiful girl 2 a construction site of one of these developers developing CONDOS.courtney asked when the condos would be finished,because she was thinking of moving in the area,and the guys told her that there won't be any condos going in because the owner has run out of money.she looked across the street and all the construction men were at a cafe drinking coffee with some ugly middle aged women.she said such a beautiful thing when it doesn't take much 2 keep men happy.that's my girl....i love you courtney.xoxoxoxxo tunsie.tunsie.tunsie