Thursday, April 3, 2008

The Best Worst Show on TV

Television exists so that otherwise cultured and intelligent people can spend hours watching pointless crap. At least, that's the way I justify my recent addiction to America's Next Top Model. This is an hour of television with absolutely no redeeming qualities, but it's crack I tell you, pure crack.

Apparently the show has been on for years, completely under my radar. About a month ago I was sick and spent a weekend lying on my couch, where I accidentally stumbled upon the first elimination show of this season. First of all, they had a competition where the models were dressed as homeless people. Pretty tasteless, right? That wasn't enough. For added value, the models, dressed as the homeless, posed with actual homeless people, who were dressed as models. At the judging, Tyra Banks (star of the show and of the show's weird universe) explained that homelessness was an issue dear to her heart because for her talk show (which she helpfully pointed out is called the Tyra Banks Show, meaning that she actually said, "Once for my show, which is called The Tyra Banks Show") she was homeless for a day. That's all well and good, but isn't the real challenge being homeless for a night?

Which leads us to secondly, which is Tyra herself. Until last month I had no real knowledge of or opinion about Tyra Banks. I have to wonder, though, what particular drug she mainlines. The woman has no normal speaking voice. She tries to sing-song, which tends to sound more like chirping. She's also almost completely manic. Her favorite word is "fierce," so that during the elimination sequence one can, on a weekly basis, watch her chirp at warp speed something like, "Amisyou'resweetbutyoujustdon'tsellit youhavetobeitgirlyouarenotfierce."

The third addicting thing about ANTM is the wannabes themselves, forced to live together in a Tribeca loft. This season features a woman named Dominique who looks so much like a drag queen I can't believe she doesn't have an Adam's apple. I think she hasn't been eliminated yet simply because she always refers to herself in the third person, giving the editors a lot of comic gold with which to work. A sample confessional: "Dominique won't be eliminated because Dominique is a single mother and is fierce. Dominique is going to be the next top model!" Then there's Lauren, a "punk" from Brooklyn who, I have to assume, got slipped a roofie at a club one night and awakened to find herself imprisoned on this television show. Not only does she dress like a Ramone circa 1977, not only does she walk down the runway slouched over looking almost completely embarrassed, not only does she spend most of every episode with a look of utter confusion and disdain, but she also swears like a sailor. She photographs incredibly beautifully. I adore her.

So, watch ANTM at your own risk, because you will be sucked in. It's not available on Hulu yet, but you can find some greatest moments on YouTube. New episodes air Wednesdays at 8 on the CW, but they're constantly airing "marathons" to catch you up on the season so far. Trust me, it's the best piece of crap on the dial.

1 comment:

J. Spike said...

As for the third person. George did that first. (Costanza) George is getting angry!

And I worked with a girl fresh out of high school a year and a half ago. She used fierce all the time.

If you'll notice those who use that word often also use it in the wrong places.

For a complete run down on all words young America uses impropery see

The number one thing there is the improper use of the word "gay" when the jokes or statements really should be "queer".

Who knew homophobia could destroy the dictonary?

And as for reality shows. The only one that can suck me in is American Choppers and the Chip Fosse car show. They use tools.